layout:tastethesky-
colours:Giant_Goldfish
lyrics:BEAST'S beautiful

NERDFIGHTER
{ DFTBA }

today was a great day
1. left the house at 8.30 pm and got onto the bus without waiting, yay. was pleasantly surprised by how quiet the bus was and how nice the aircon was
2. urban write is such a lovely place, although too bright and i object to their not using paper but plastic bags. new notebook!
3. went to carls jr to get fries, accidentally told the person takeaway instead of having here. it was noisy anyway so instead of sticking with my plan of reading in there i decided to find a nice corner outside to sit down and eat and enjoy the quiet
4. ended up getting soya bean because fries are actually really thirst inducing
5. so i walked around for 10 minutes trying to figure out if i should go to the park, then i realised okay no it's actually really late. ended up sitting around for probably 45 minutes finishing a huge packet of fries (and possibly getting judged by everyone), the corner outside starbucks is actually really nice at night amongst the slight smell of cigarette smoke. people watching is also very interesting
6. got home at 10.45, in short a very happy day, finally indulged my introverted side after so long

also the result slew of RD results/CCA results/Colours awards/whatever has resulted in me realising:
1. I haven't actually done anything particularly noteworthy in RGS, or even anything important that is quantifiable despite all the late nights and effort and everything really.
2. I have somehow come to realise that I don't care very much any more about my lack of achievement record, because I have done tihngs that mean something to me, and I have put in my all for the things I did do, even if it does not record very positively in the end
3. Not sure how much of this acceptance comes from how incredibly blessed I am to have great EYA results (for my standards, at least), but grateful for both either way

Lately been in this happy state of calm and not really doing much, not feeling particularly elated but nevertheless content, and I like it at lot (:
The freedom of post EYAs doesn't come in the time it provides necessarily, but the freedom to do whatever we want that is meaningful to us-- whether that something is watching all the korean dramas in the world or doing research or tumbling down tumblr every day. And I love this freedom and all this time for me to line up everything-- history, piano, poetry, tumblr, books, collating notes for juniors-- and many people think that I'm crazy and that I should just yolo and watch dramas but I think this is my yolo because it matters to me, it means something to me even though it's not something most people would occupy their time with. blessed nevertheless for this time (:
Happy teachers' day! This year more than any year previously I think I've been incredibly blessed to get amazing amazing teachers-- each of them has touched me in small ways, some more than others. I'm not sure why the topic of where the line is between teachers and students lie keeps coming up lately, but I believe there's nothing wrong with a more personal relationship between the two if it doesn't interfere with the passing down of knowledge. Beyond academia, it's quite amazing to have gotten to know a few of the teachers I have this year-- I believe this connection is more than a shallow or forced bond, and our teachers have come to mean so much. Perhaps its the release that sec four brings from responsibilities and obligations that lets us see our teachers as more than just authority figures, the knowledge that we're leaving soon anyway, but this year has let me see my teachers as more than just teachers. Everything aside, teaching is such a noble and underrated profession-- how do the best teachers get invested in their students year after year to let them go and watch them create their stories? rather amazing, thank you so much teachers.

was reading some of my old blog posts and I think some of the joy in blogging lies in seeing how much I've changed, and in particular looking back at the episodes that were so significant then that I barely remember now.
Amidst all this EYA preparation today happened, and wow what a day. Last day of lessons-- didn't feel particularly special or impactful tbh but I'm going to miss all this so much. This class, these teachers-- so blessed to have this group of people with me for the past two years. But at the same time it's comforting to know that this isn't the end, not just yet, we still have options and we still have some time together. Going to miss this school so much when I leave though, despite all the terrible times.
With the EYAs coming up instead of a sense of panic like so many of us seem to be facing what I'm getting is instead a sense of calm (and resignation?)-- wouldn't say I'm particularly prepared for the papers (or likely will be) but it's the last papers. More than anything what this year has brought for me academically (amongst panicking for math papers, every single time) is a realisation of where my passion and source of joy lies, and a heightened appreciation of academia (even bio!! bio!!).

And amidst all this exam preparation I think the thing that has been constantly nagging at all of us is that we have so few actual lessons left (TWO DAYS MORE) (WHY) and we've been so incredibly lucky to have such great teachers this year, they're so utterly under-appreciated. I don't quite know how to feel about having our last lessons in this school and the general prospect of everything being our last. Everything is winding down now, and as much as I'm incredibly excited for options and post-EYAs, it's terrifying to see everything slipping away so quickly. Nothing left to do I guess, but try to treasure whatever time we have left together.
Things I will forever be upset about:
All things considered, Striping was a surprisingly calm affair. Reading through all the letters and seeing all the it might be the end of our official journey together but it won't be goodbye, all the this is not a goodbye letter this is a thank you letter, and it's true, these people aren't going to be gone any time soon.

it's been such a great four years. in all honestly, Guides never really meant all that much to me until sometime last year, and it really came to be the thing only this year-- and it's sad that the year that I learn to appreciate it is the year that I have to leave it. But Guides has given us all so much and it's been such a comfort over the past four years, despite my never having realised it until really late.

also I FEEL SO APPRECIATED AFTER STRIPING. reading all the letters while waiting for dinner hungrily with liyin val jingen panwen and shar, all the thank yous, all the you've been a great batchmate/senior/PLs, all the thank you for existing and it's really gratifying to know that i've made an impact to so many people.

going to miss raffles guides so much, the warm effusive feeling of coming down before sessions and seeing 13atch at the table. but at the same time this isn't the end of anything, not really and that's an incredibly comforting thought. the night before striping was this mess of hliefgrhiuhf how am i going to finish letters and iles and everything in time!! (and i didn't in the end, oops) (none of us did but well) and much of ces was spent with a panicky val who desperately needs a belt, even lessons the whole day was spent simply typing frantically trying to write as many letters as possible because CAM sent out the patrol allocations at 5.34 am, the one and a half weeks or so before striping were spent desperately putting together the video and the powerpoint and drawing files in every possibly opportunity, all that time with oh no we're leaving guides now what-- but striping itself was very calm. during the horseshoe the only things that were going through my head were really i am so proud of us, i am so proud of the juniors (belle and vivian and minghui and our new CLs and so many other great people). i have no doubt that b14tch is going to do guides proud next year.

raffles guides is the place that i've met some of the best people i know, even if so many of these people i only really got to know this year. in guides, you don't find friends, you find sisters. so grateful for this journey and for the people that we've all become, and in the end i wanna be standing at the beginning with you.

also, moments from striping:
1. falling our patrols in together with just a glimpse with liyin
2. minghui. i'm so sorry minghui ):
3. falling in somewhat awkwardly behind our patrols and singing our last taps
4. how when they called vivian and belle for their positions i simply couldn't stop grinning
5. mynah'11 (':
6. what did i do to deserve such great juniors
7. pigging out with 1/4 of batch at dinner

asdfghjkl such an incoherent and messy post there's so much more i wanted to say but can't findthe right words to say it/so much more that i frankly don't remember right now but RAFFLES GUIDES <3
COUNTDOWN TO STRIPING: ONE DAY.
or to be more exact, approximately 19 hours.

CAN WE NOT
Today was liberating but also really exhausting in a strange way. Math and lit tomorrow but instead of papers all I can think about is really:
1. Our last Guides session before striping. When we were falling out at the end of session I couldn't help but think that that'll be my last time falling sunflower out at the end of a session with taps. So many lasts, and it all feels so final now.
2. Footdrill-- was the best thing in a long time. In a way I guess I'm glad I didn't have to command the sec twos today because somewhere in the middle I realised how much I've missed footdrill with the batch, even though we're an absolutely tiny batch. First and last footdrill session of the year was good-- and the funniest footdrill session ever, with the awkward kids, van and yixi and shoelaces, val and shoelaces, aggie and estee and too much laughter for footdrill-- it was good though. Tiring, but good stuff in the best possible way-- because you could see the batch putting in effort for our last footdrill session in ever, yet still being the hilarious 13atch I've come to love.
3. RHA interview was okay I guess-- don't think I was exceptional, but I think I was fine. Throughout the day in the middle of lessons I just kept having random bursts of LIUQHWRLIGUHRWLIGU RHA INTERVIEW LATER. but what kept me from freaking out in the end were all the great people-- thank you fatima, thank you phionna, thank you aggie and estee and julia and caitlin and val and everyone who wished me good luck, who were generally incredibly reassuring and reaffirming. And I guess-- come what may, we'll see how it goes la.

Good day, absolutely exhausting (idek why??) but good anyway.

"I asked him, How can a man be brave if he's afraid? That is the only time a man can be brave, he told me."

-Robb Stark, Game of Thrones

Things I really miss about Wales:
1. The rocky shores that you have to watch every step
2. The way the sun doesn't set until 10, and how you can watch the sun set on the soccer field from the dorm window
3. The grass that is so soft to lie on (same goes for the sand)
Wales was magical in so many ways. The experience was phenomenal, people are great. And because I wouldn't know how to start otherwise, list of happy things that are a result of the week and a half or so:

1. The openness of the Welsh community-- wide open gates, low stone walls that are ornamental and definitely not for security
2. The grass. So many wide open fields of it everywhere. Also, the yellow and pink fields that you spot from a distance.
3. Quaint tiny houses with really huge roofs
4. Paper banks (Nai: "why are you taking photos of a paper bank!!" Vanna: "it's a really cool SS phenomenon don't you think!!!!!")
5. Where on earth do you still find telephone booths? (now equipped with free wifi, whoohoo)
6. Nai: "this could totally be Singapore if the trees were taller" (literally the first thing the two of us noticed when we drove out of Heathrow airport)
7. Strangely beautiful small brick churches with cemeteries attached to them-- not a believer but I believe this is the true worship of God, utterly unassuming yet the spirit in some ways seems more there than even Notre Dame last year
8. Creeks running in towns in Wales
9. England: the land of wide open grasslands. Wales: the land of hills and valleys
10. The crossover and sudden influx of Welsh, how open the border was
11. WELSH. And how it's somehow unlike any other language I've ever seen anywhere
12. The beach after Bristol bridge at low tide
13. The sky
14. Veterinary hospital logos: sheep and horses rather than cats and dogs
15. SHIPPING SHEEP (just because)
16. The never-ending countryside
17. How you never see reforestation and rows of painfully neat trees because the forests are just utterly natural
18. Cows barely five meters from the road (and the whole busload of us squealing at them)
19. Lonely tree in a grassy field
20.Narrow strip of grass walkway with the sea on either side
21. Buildings in the wilderness with laptops, internet, prezi, and BATS
22. Watching the Atlantic lap gently/not so gently at rocks
23. The never ending water that just ends up blending in with the sky
24. Absolutely lovely dorm (the kids too!!) that willingly drag themselves up at 5am for morning walks together, the noisy boisterous nights and the quiet ones too, how we naturally give each other space when we need it and company when we need that, too. (Vanna: "WAH THAT GUY DAMN HOT SIA!!"). Also, running up and down like Nai and Vanna's personal servants the whole morning completely willingly, the general care and concern and warm effusive atmosphere, and how even the half of the dorm that I barely/never knew before the trip ended up becoming my most solid support base by the middle of our stay and to the end of the trip
25. Going with Nai Steph and Vanna-- how easy and natural it is for us to fall into a long-established rhythm, a very different experience from history trip last year and extremely comforting
26. Beautiful horses at Warhorse musical, how it's about a horse but so so much more than just the horse, how war is heart-wrenchingly painful and unnecessary for everyone, how people come together over the most unexpected things in the worse of times
27. Being part of the Potter fandom. Always.
28. Rabbit sandwiches that are surprisingly good (butter, lettuce, cucumbers) (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME)
29. Gadwall always being first in line for all meals, always having a buddy to get seconds with me (': (and julia, FOURTHS)
30. The soft grass and the rocky shores, and how clean and pristine all the beaches are

I think for me the Wales countryside was infinitely more beautiful than London despite all it's modernity, because it was so beautiful and natural and everything just seemed more real there. Many of us wanted more time in London, or at the famous attractions in London, and I feel like the only person not impressed by the London Eye and the Big Ben after Wales (it's just a smaller version of the flyer!! hello!!) but the countryside was the best part doubtlessly.

Also, the people:
1. The dorm with our crazy mix of sanity and insanity, from julia to shuying. So much to say to each and every one of them, and they are such lovely people. Love our cup noodle/milo sessions, how we can walk along the woods in the morning and talk about the beauty of the fog and the lake and SUDDENLY START CAMWHORING (hey we are really successful), the concern for each other, julia stepping on my luggage, GADWALL SOON jokes, giving milo and bak kwa to instructors, communal food stores and communal evian bottles that we just take from freely, how messy our dorm is, watching tangled late into the night-- so much more. no words.
2. our tutors for being amazingly passionate and knowledgeable and patient people (how do you jump around on rocks! just how!!)
3. teachers, for being really funny and approachable. Ms Tok for her never-ending fretting over us, Mr Chia and Mr Koh with their soccer/table tennis, Mrs Pang with her wrapped-upness and just-- generally being great
4. Shannon, Yu Lin, Shin Ping for being the bestest juniors ever and being so supportive when I fall down (oops)
5. Nai Steph Vanna what else can I say really
6. Yvette, my lovely room mate

WANT TO GO BACK D:
SPORTS FEST CHAMPIONS.
FOUR YEARS RUNNING.

no words, really. much of sports fest this year felt slightly disconnected because helping out at SFC, but it was good stuff nonetheless. the suspense of waiting for the results, the cheering when they announced that buckle was second (oops) and the ensuing joy and crazy phototaking sessions afterwards. i'm just glad our last sports fest ended as perfectly as the first one. we've come full circle, batch 13 (':

somewhere in the middle of the school song today after sportsfest i started crying because there have been so many mixed emotions towards house this year but-- four years of my house journey. four years. so much has changed. but so many things haven't. and i'm beyond grateful for that.

--

so, the term has ended and everyone is celebrating. seeing statuses all over the place with people celebrating. people going home to sleep the whole afternoon away. and i'm just sitting here like-- what holiday? so glad i'm escaping to wales tomorrow, but before that, a load of shit to deal with. and while i'm glad for the reprive, the thought of what is going to happen when i get back is utterly depressing. i just-- i'm just so tired of being pulled in so many different directions at once and i need a break and i need to get away from people and expectations but i can't. and i know i'm responsible for pulling such a huge load but at the same time i'm not sure why i'm doing this any more and i know i signed up for this but please stop. please. i'm not sure what's wrong with doing things because i like them even if i'm not going to be doing them in future and i'm not sure what's wrong with doing things because you care and not for benefits or points. i'm tired of being pulled everywhere by obligations and expectations and disappointing people. most of all disappointing myself.

okay rant over i'll be okay i will be okay.
thank you 410, for being so supportive even though i screwed up real bad <3
Last house prac in four years and tbh I really don't know what to feel about it. the meaning of house has changed a lot for me over these couple of years, but despite everything that's happened, I love house. And I can truthfully say that right here, right now, because house is about the people, and this batch of sec ones is truly the best batch I've ever seen throughout three years in housecomm. Beyond that-- that's another last in this year of lasts I guess.

Before enrollment on Monday I didn't expect to feel much about it, but the sudden surge of joy listening to the recruits say their promise was utterly unexpected and wonderful-- I love guides. I love what we stand for, I love the family. Also, camwhoring session with sunflower was absolutely hilarious, love them so much.